the words I want to say to him

I feel them bubbling up

making their way from my brain

and my heart

up my throat

and in my mouth

but bursting just before they meet my lips

never seeing the light of day

never spoken

I can’t say

though part of me wants to

but the larger portion of me won’t let me

won’t let those bubbling words escape my mouth

my mind

out in the open air

for him to hear

so instead of saying something

anything

I’ve been looking at him for too long

far too long

his expectation is palpable

he knows I was about to say something

he can tell by the silence

but I keep it to myself

and not even his playful smirk

or the, “what we’re you gonna say?”

nor his arched brow

and the, “seriously, what??”

can pry it from my lips

I gulp

clear my throat

of words unsaid

I’m sure I’m blushing

but I can’t focus on that

that would only make it worse

so I make something up

continued friendly conversation

inconsequential words that wouldn’t require that sort of hesitation

he knows this wasn’t what I was going to say

he definitely knows

he looks at me

waiting to see if I’ll relent

if I’ll give up the information

but I won’t say

what I’m thinking

that talking to you makes my day

you’re the highlight of each day I see you

and I see magic in you

even if you don’t

you make my insides dance

my outsides too

in my kitchen and my living room and while I’m driving

you make me feel light

and excited

and nauseous

but in a good way somehow

and still I can’t say it

can’t express it

I won’t

not yet anyway

but I feel it

I feel it every day

and every day I wonder

if you do too