January 2019 - I was about to meet the greatest love I’ve ever felt in my young life.

It was cold (even in Barcelona, Spain) and I bought a coat - Tim entered my heart as well.

Some days I even lay in bed & am convinced deep down he is the cowboy I always write about.

Tim - his eyes a green/blue shade.

His laugh still ringing in my ears.

In many ways, I think I’m his greatest love too.

This past Summer, I started talking about him as he’d really have been my brother. I’ve not experienced childhood memories or birthday cakes with him. I’ve felt his hug (which was the most comfortable and warm-hearted I ever had) and his words. I soaked up everything he spoke. Now realising how he watched me. His best friend’s sister.

I’ve witnessed a brotherhood between him and my brother Flo - I called them “soulmates”.

Many people’s last words to me were “Stay who you are”, but Tim’s voice is the loudest in my memory.

You never know when it’s the last time you hug someone, say good-bye, kiss good night - write about someone.

I’m very sure I’ll never stop writing about him.

I don’t even think I’d exist anymore (without him).

He showed me to all the good paths I’m walking down. He used to visit me in my dreams. Back when I didn’t understand that he disappeared from this physical world. And if i’m fair to myself - I still process where he is.

2019 seems like yesterday. Was 15 years old - crushing on a celebrity that’d inspire Harrison Selleck and changed schools. There are so many anniversaries piled up in the corner of my room.

If I could screw all of them and only not have Tim’s death turning a half decade, I would.

When he died, it was like a life destined to happen decided last minute to be lived out in another dimension. Parallel universes/plot lines that weren’t meant to only have stayed a “What if” in my dreams & poetry. I feel so sure in what would’ve happened like I already lived in it and now am an old lady looking back on her life. It’s probably what I’ll seek for the rest of this life of mine.

My brother Flo, Bruderherz, taught me so much, been so influential in my growing up and gave me so much love as a child.

He loves me so much.

It’s fascinating to see the thing I’m the most grateful for what he’s done is introducing me to Tim. His soul brother. Best friends.

It was a different kind of love.

I know I would’ve loved Tim.

I know we would’ve ended up together.

When you know, you know.

So here I am - 19 years old - knowing full well I’ll never forget Tim. All these decades of life and love in front of me and the greatest love that’ll accompany me / take my hand wherever I’m going is Tim’s.

My children will know who he was to me.

So scared was I the moment I found out about his death. A physical hand on my shoulder had vanished. I felt left behind. I still remember the May breeze that usually gifts one still with a chill, it felt so warm, so safe - a hug from an angel.

I knew my life’s outcome had changed on that day. Just like that.

He visited me in my dreams.

(see, cowboy just stole all his moves from Tim)

First, just a plain orange room - two chairs.

He, already waiting, smiled at me. “Good to see you again!” - I thought we’d never do again.

I talked hours to him. Boring, day-to-day things like what grade I got back that day, what my brother had shared with me on a video call, how I felt.

And then the dreams changed.

We were in deserts, riding a motorbike to nowhere places, abandoned, perfect for our solitude. Purple skies, orange rocks, leather jackets and pants. We went on one adventure after another. - Those were my first poems then.

One year & three months passed by and my brother was about to visit us in Germany when I wrote down words of a wedding in a tiny church - out there, somewhere - my wedding dress short and the bouquet cute. Tim’s smile greeting me while I was walking down the aisle with Flo.

The shock of that imagery is still stuck in my bones and I wonder today if that’s why I don’t wish for a wedding like that. Cause the groom will be another.

I remember trying to forget the scene, the image so clear in my mind - almost like my heart had it photographed ages ago.

The dreams lessened. I was freaked out.

Scared my heart’ll break.

It’ll never be possible.

Now, Tim had said words like “Life’s insane” and “Everything’s an option”. Sounded so strange and far away from me by first listen.

June 2021, I awoke from a dream entailing a stranger that loved me in a way I only been used to by Tim.

Every single time my friends ask me how I still write about that foreign cowboy in my dreams. It’s because I can’t hold loose. Every time I’ve got a glimpse of no desert, he re-enters my heart with those endless ethereal dreams. I see myself loving him in the purest way I’ve never loved anyone (so far). Except Tim.

But Tim’s a psychic polaroid in my heart.

An old lover, always there and here. No time away from the reach of my arm.

Every time I cry, after having risen from a dream that I sometimes feel so desperate after and lonesome — saying things like “This all is just a dream” / “This’ll never happen” / “I’ve got no evidence” — Tim’s the greatest love of my life. He’s all I need to keep believing & breathing even though he’s not with me anymore.

A fuzzy green coat all I’ve got.

A panda bear toy I named after him.

His name standing in between all my lines.

Every warm breeze that makes me feel home.

Every cowboy’s eyes that remind me of his.

Poetry and laughter.

Hugs.

His believe in me.

His eternal presence.

He can never be gone out of our lives.

Our love will never die.

Maybe because even more because he’s not here.

Because five years have passed in my life and I still have not let him go.

Maybe because he’s exactly where angels are meant to be.

Maybe because I love him, forever.

Maybe because he’s loved.

Maybe because love exists.

It’s here with us.

Maybe because Tim.

Maybe because love.

Because he’s Tim.

Tim.

The greatest love.